As I sit down to write this my hair is a greasy mess tossed up into the classic mom bun, the kitchen a disaster and toys all over the floor but my oldest is sound asleep in his bed, my youngest asleep in my arms and my heart is full.
Nixon and Vanek are twelve months and eighteen days apart. Many people have asked if Vanek was a mistake or an ‘oops’. No he absolutely was not, Kyle and I both loved the idea of having our kids close together so we knew what we were doing after Nixon. Now this doesn’t mean that I’ve loved every minute of the past month. In fact Kyle & I’s go – to statement is ‘it gets better each day’.
The first few days home with both kids I vividly remember thinking that this was a mistake – and that was when Kyle was still off work helping everyone adjust! Now of course I didn’t actually think Vanek was a mistake, what I really meant was that life was hard. Over the past year I had developed a routine with Nixon, I knew when naps & eating needed to happen, when we could get out of the house and when I’d have some ‘me time’. All of that was gone. Nixon seemed to be completely thrown off by Vanek’s arrival – refusing to nap and being oddly defiant and extra needy. I had forgotten just how unpredictable newborns are. Not to mention trying to figure out breastfeeding, managing all the postpartum hormones and trying to heal. I missed easily getting out of the house to run errands or go to the park. The first time I left the house with both kids, by myself I think it took me forty-five minutes from getting ready to the car – and I had to take the kids to the car separately [Nixon doesn’t walk yet & I hadn’t mastered carrying both kids & the diaper bag]. I missed routine. It’s gotten better now, but admitting that life was hard was difficult, I wanted to prove [and still do] to people that having kids this close wasn’t a mistake and that I can manage it. I’m learning when to ask for help & thank God for all the help we’ve received.
I know it won’t always be hard. And I’m already seeing areas become easier. But more importantly I’m learning to have more grace for myself. My house will not be as tidy as it used to, I may not always finish the laundry in one day and some days leaving the house is simply not happening. But my babies will be fed, held [only made possible by Beluga Baby] & loved endlessly.
So yes, the first month with 2 babies has been tiring and hard but as I tuck them into bed each night I know that there is no other way I’d rather spend my days.