We’re about to leave on vacation to NYC and the surrounding area for three weeks- most people would be ecstatic right? Well, I’m sitting in the SeaTac airport sobbing while Kyle continually comforts me and tells me that it’ll be okay and Nixon will have a great time with his grandparents while we’re away. Yes, we’re headed on a holiday for three weeks without our baby and here’s a little bit about what’s gone down in the weeks leading up to it.
When we first planned to go to New York we fully intended to bring Nix with us, because in my eyes there wasn’t another option – mama bear does not leave her cub behind. As the trip planning continued, we realized just how much work it was going to be to travel about with an eight month old who still needs consistent naps, meals along with a bunch more stuff [& Nixon is a super easy going baby but some things you just can’t avoid]. Kyle suggested leaving Nixon with his grandparents for the duration of the trip. I think my heart stopped beating for a minute but deep down I knew that he was likely right and that would probably be our best option. Lucky for Kyle and I, we have amazing family around who have graciously stepped up to take him.
My logic and emotions continued to run in opposite directions on this for weeks to come, which meant a lot of tears. At one point I had to apologize to Kyle because I had started to resent him for suggesting to leave Nixon behind and irrationally thinking it meant he loved him less than I do because I would have sucked it up and brought him. I have spent nearly every day for the past eight months watching this little boy smile, learn to play, laugh, sleep and everything in between. I honestly didn’t [and still don’t] know how I am going to make it three weeks without being there to hold him when he cries or pick him up and give him a hug when I want. Kyle has continually sympathized with my feelings, but men generally don’t have the same emotional attachment as women do and that’s okay [not to mention being pregnant added a whole other level of emotions].
I had a list of semi-irrational ‘what-if’ fears I replayed; what if he learns to crawl while I’m not there [or reaches any other milestone for that matter]? What if he forgets who I am? What if he won’t calm down because we aren’t there? What if something is off with his routine and no one has a mother’s instinct because I’m not around? What if our plane crashes? The list went on. Each time I did this I had to be reminded that I’m not in control, God is, the family watching him has raised children before and they know what they’re doing; there’s technology that allows us to see him and be in communication with family as much as I need [thank the GOOD LORD]. However, I still cried. A lot. Pretty much every night for the last two weeks.
I’m still not sure how this trip will go, how much I will cry but I know that I can’t turn back now and that Nixon is in great hands. For now, I’m going to head to NYC with my husband and make the best of this NYC babymoon.
P.S. I’ll write an update when we get back on how it all went- if I don’t fly home early for cuddles!
photo: the koebels