For those of you wanting a post about how to wait well, this isn’t it. This is about how I’ve waited poorly and what my gracious God is teaching me through it all.
This all began about a year ago when Kyle and I decided to start trying for a child. The doctor said it would likely take between three to six months for us to conceive but I still assumed that we would be the exception. Sure enough when we didn’t get pregnant on the first try I was devastated. I spent the night sobbing uncontrollably and being extremely frustrated with God. All sorts of questions ran through my mind, some reasonable and quite frankly most of them ridiculous. Kyle kindly reminded me that it was a very slim chance that it would have happened right away and that this was in no way indicative of the future. He also called me out for thinking that God should just give me such an amazing gift. Never once had it crossed my mind that I didn’t deserve to be a parent, it’s what I wanted and therefore I should get it. Realizing this attitude of entitlement that I had developed was shocking to me. I wasn’t raised this way but it was how I acted with God so many times without realizing it. Needless to say I repented and worked on having a thankful heart. The waiting was hard even with the attitude adjustment. Once I decided to surrender to the fact that God is still good, still sovereign and still worth following regardless of whether He gave us a child or not, was when I found peace and when we actually conceived. But first I had to let go of what I assumed I was owed.
Nine months, forty weeks, two hundred and eighty days or six thousand seven hundred and twenty minutes; however you want to look at it, a full term pregnancy is a long time. For me some days & weeks seemed to fly by, and others crawled on but my goal was always to hit that magic due date and no more. Now here’s the funny thing, when you get a due date the doctors call it an EDD…estimated delivery date. But all I heard was delivery date, intentionally leaving out the very important part of estimated. I knew that many babies come after their due date but I was determined that mine would not. You would think that I would have learned my lesson earlier that I am entitled to nothing and that ultimately God’s plan will prevail and it is always for the better; not so much. I’d been counting down the days until we were full term and labour was considered safe, even began hoping [dramatically hoping] that this little one would make his or her entrance early. Convinced that I would not be having a late baby I began to grow even more impatient as forty weeks grew closer and nothing seemed to be changing.
Well the due date has come and gone and here I sit, still very much pregnant and still very impatient. I find myself lacking joy and failing to praise God that we have a healthy, full term baby, choosing instead to focus on what I don’t have- which is this baby in my arms when I want it. As I ponder those thoughts I realize that I am assuming I have a right to decide when God gives me His gift. Once again this sense of entitlement has crept it’s way back along with frustration, anger and impatience. Even as I write this those feelings are very much present but I am also reminded that those are not attitudes God has called me to live by. Certainly not the attitude of someone who has been given such an amazing gift. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t have the secret or the ten tips on how to wait well, but I do know that I need to do better. I know I can pray to a God who is understanding, read the verses that remind me who has ordained this babes first day, sing praises even when I want to do cry, and I have the ability to choose joy when I feel frustrated because I have an abundance to be thankful for.
Whether or not I need to wait is beyond my control, but what is in my control is how I wait. As the hours & days carry on I am going to make a conscious effort to wait well- wait with praise & joy for the gift that is on it’s way.