what i’ve learned from being a husband… so far

i’m going to tell you how to be the perfect husband…

kidding. if you came here to actually find out how to be a husband you will be disappointed because no i actually have no idea what i’m doing.

i’ve only been married for two and a half months and honestly have no idea how to be a husband. sure, my dad was a husband and he showed me some good things and i have a mentor who is a good husband, but every marriage is different and each wife needs to be loved differently.

here’s my list of ten things i’ve learned about being a husband:

one. be a leader. you may have no idea what you’re doing, like me, but at least try something. ask for her advice and include her in decision-making but be confident in the decision you make because it’s the one you think is best for the two of you. lead her spiritually as well, this is probably more important. be the one to initiate doing devos, encourage her to read her bible, read your bible, pray for her, pray together – be the leader in all of these areas.

two. this is her first time being a wife, she doesn’t know what she’s doing either, so let her know when she does something you like or appreciate. words of affirmation goes a long way for a new wife even if it’s not one of her love languages.

three.  when she makes a mistake or does something you don’t like, don’t get all over her for it, instead, let her know it’s okay and offer a way for her to do it differently next time. she already feels bad for it, no point letting her know how badly she screwed up, forgive her and give her a chance to change next time and if she does it again, forgive her again.

four. know the type of person she is. sam is an introvert, i’m an extrovert. being around a lot of people drain her, being around a lot of people gives me energy. know that you will have to sacrifice a night with the boys to spend a night at home with her one on one, that relaxes her and gives her energy. it also will make her feel loved by knowing that you are willing to sacrifice the boys for her.

five. don’t be useless. the more i’m around other couples it blows me away how useless some guys can be. do something! do it without her asking for once. sam loves when the kitchen is clean and often i get a day off while she is at school teaching, thus i will have a clean kitchen ready for her when she gets home. sometimes she asks me to do certain things, sometimes i just do them; trust me, doing them without her asking goes a lot further than her having to ask.

six. keep doing the things you did when you were dating. for me, i’ve always opened the car door for sam before i get in and i don’t plan on stopping. don’t think that just because you’re married you can stop those things because you’ve ‘won’ her and don’t need to impress her anymore; continually impress her and remind her of the guy she married.

seven. be fun. do fun things together. surprise her if she likes surprises. sam likes surprises and this past month i surprised her with a trip to disneyland which we both loved.

eight. know her. and never stop learning about her. be a student of your wife. i forget everything, so when sam mentions something i put it in my phone; i have a note started called ‘all about sam’ and it looks like this:


and it has proven to be very helpful in remembering things about her, especially when i want to surprise her with something she loves, like a piano solo or something…

nine. be emotionally available. your wife needs to talk to you. show you are there for her more than just in the physical. she needs you to talk to about the tough stuff, ask questions to, talk about what she’s struggling with, her hopes, her dreams, her fears. and actually listen to her, put your phone away (trust me it’s a bad day when you don’t, i just made that mistake an hour ago) and just listen. and show that you care, but also know when to just shut up and listen. that’s very important.

ten. confess right away when you screw up because if you don’t it goes one of two ways – either she finds out on her own (bad day for you) or it eats you up long enough until you fess up later (also not a good idea). if grace is present in your relationship, as hard as it may be to confess, it will go better than you think.
at the end of the day if you get direction from God and what you do isn’t upsetting your wife then you will be okay.
lights out!

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